Always
by Supon
Summary: Severus and his life.


_**AN:**_This fic is written to my lovely Olive! A day early, but happy freaking birthday! Now, I just hope you enjoy this fic, because I sure had fun writing it ^^ Love you dear 33

_**Always**_

_"...You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."_

The last time he ever spoke to her was etched into his mind. Working like a constant reminder to his fault.

_"No, listen, I didn't mean -"_

_"- to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?" _

But she had been. She was his. The only one that he would ever love. And before he had been able to make amends, she had left in a fury. Never once looking back at the friendship they had shared.

She had once promised him they would always be friends. And Severus had believed in it. Relied on it. That no matter what, she would have been the one to stick by his side. But how could she, when he himself pushed her away?

That was the first time his world came crashing down and it wouldn't be the last one.

* * *

><p>As the years passed by, Lily remained true to her choice. Yet Severus lived by the hope that there would come a day when they'd be able to reconcile. Be friends again. And that he would have the time to explain what she truly meant to him.<p>

Even when he learnt of her family's death sentence, he hadn't believed there could ever be a world without her. That Dumbledore would be able to protect her. Keep her alive. And he himself had made sure to do everything within his power to help that cause.

Etched in his mind next to her parting words, was the image of her lifeless body in what had once been her home. The hole in his heart that she had made when she left, no longer existed. His heart no longer existed.

Holding her close, he rocked her back and forth. Almost as if he was putting her to sleep. Lily, his Lily. With hair that resembled fire and eyes made of emeralds. His Lily...

To him, eternities passed before him and it was not until he felt a hand on his shoulder that he returned back to the conscious world. Looking down from his eclipse glasses, the elder man's grief shined down on the broken man.

And that was the second time Severus world broke. But this time, it was shattered into a million pieces. Pieces that could never be put back together.

* * *

><p>He had cried out his suffering to the elder man. Accused him of failing. Hated him. And pleaded to the world to end his misery.<p>

"Her boy survived."

If Dumbledore had hope he would rejoice in these news, he had been sourly mistaken. For all Severus knew, it only made things worse.

"Her son lives. He has her eyes. Precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evan's eyes, I'm sure?"

The cruelty of that man, making him remember her eyes. And that they would never again open.

"DON'T!" Severus howled, hoping Dumbledore would leave him alone with his grief. "Gone... Dead..."

If only he would die. The pain... it was too much...

"Help me protect Lily's son."

Dumbledore's request was absurd. Protect the living proof of his failure? As if Severus' torment was not enough. Yet, he knew that it was the least he could do. He owed Lily that. He owed himself that.

* * *

><p>Severus had always dreaded the day her son would arrive at Hogwarts. He had never once sought to see him, fearing that the sight of her eyes would cause him to break even more.<p>

And now there he was, the spitting image of his father with the sole exception of his eyes. He did indeed have her eyes, yet Severus was unable to see her there. There was traces of her in them, but his Lily didn't shine through in this child's eyes.

Despite his every instinct telling him to let the boy be, Severus stayed true to his commitment. He would not let another one of her family fall prey to his mistake.

Throughout the years, he did his best to protect the boy, which was not always the easiest task. Along with his appearance, the boy had also inherited his father's ability to seek up trouble at every given opportunity. It was a miracle he managed to make it out alive each year.

And then, when Severus least had suspected it, his world, or rather what was left of it, was once again broken.

Irksome eyes watched Dumbledore as he had entrusted this final, heartbreaking secret. "You have kept him alive so that he could die at the right moment?" Disbelief and pain was stained over his voice.

All he had worked for all these years, in vain. It was a cruel game Dumbledore had been playing at. The elder man had always known it would come down to this, yet kept it to himself.

How could he ever repay Lily for his crime, if her son ended up slaughtered despite all his efforts?

Would anything he did ever be enough?

Continuing on his path towards the boy's final moment, Severus closed of the last bit of his heart that still remained. Only once did he let the shield slip. And that was when he had been in Black's old bedroom. There, on the floor lied something that he never thought he would see again. A letter with Lily's handwriting. And next to it, a picture of the whole Potter family, smiling. Unknowing of the dangers ahead of them.

Letting tears fall down his face, he read the letter and saw her so clearly before him. His sweet, caring Lily.

Pocketing the letter, he turned his attention to the picture.

At the age of twenty, Lily had been more beautiful than ever. He silently apologized to her and asked that she would forgive his hand at her death and soon her son's. Hoping that somehow she would be able to hear it. He then ripped the picture in two and brought the half with Lily with him. Something he could keep close to his heart and hopefully find the strength to continue on this wicked quest.

* * *

><p>After so many years, Severus was at last at the end of the line. The Dark Lord had been weakened and no longer let Nagini wander off alone. Even now, when they both stood in the Shrieking Shack with no enemy in sight, the Dark Lord made sure not to let Nagini more than a few feet away from him.<p>

Now, there was only one last thing left for Severus to do. The boy. The boy needed to know the whole truth, and not the version Dumbledore had told.

"Let me find the boy", Severus said softly to the Dark Lord. "Let me bring you Potter. I know I can find him, my Lord. Please." The last word came out more pleading than he had wished.

But the snake-like man had other thoughts on his mind and it soon become obvious that Severus was not going to make it out of here alive. Trying to find the right words, hoping that there might be some way he could fulfill his last mission, the man racked through his mind.

_He _needed to know the truth!

One last plead. "My Lord... let me go to the boy..."

And then, everything went by in a blur. The Dark Lord's eyes flashing dangerously red, his wand swiping down on the potion master, Nagini's fangs taking hold off his throat and the long fall to the floor.

Eyes half-dimmed, Severus gazed at the Dark Lord's robes fluttered out of the room and leaving him to bleed to death.

Fail. He would fail even this task. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried, he would always end up losing everything. Holding his hand on the lethal wound in a vain try to prolong his life, despite already knowing it was a lost cause. He would never be able to find the boy in time.

And then, there he was, kneeling next to him, eyes not filled with anger and hatred as the man was used to. Just confusion and what almost look like grief.

Taking hold of his robes, Severus pulled the boy closer. This was it, the time to let go of this burden and place it on this boy's shoulders. Her innocent, helpless boy who hadn't done anything to deserve this faith.

"Take... it... Take... it..."

Giving the boy his memories, the truth. And showing him Severus' punishment for the crime he committed against his mother all those years ago.

Feeling death lulling him to sleep, he gazed right at the boy. "Look... at... me..." And as the boy did, Severus saw her again. All along, hidden in his eyes, was his Lily. Lily and her beautiful eyes. Lily and her soft hair. Lily and her laughter.

Letting go of the world, Severus was pulled back into the past that once had held so much comfort. No longer did he feel any pain, any fear. He was once again a young boy, sitting next to Lily. They were at Hogwarts, staring out on the lake. The wind softly blowing through her hair.

"We're friends, right?" He said.

Lily gave him a sweet smile. "Of course. Best friends. Forever."

He returned her smile with one of his own and searched for her hand. "Forever? You promise?"

Squeezing his hand hard, Lily's smile widen. "Yeah, always."


End file.
